Lesson 5: Family Crucibles
Lesson 5: Family Crucibles
Lesson Goals:
- Apply gospel principles to crucible moments.
- Examine what has helped other people get through family crucibles.
Have you seen another family go through really hard trials and thought to yourself, “I could not do that?” What makes these families handle these crucible moments so well? The definition of a crucible is, “a situation of severe trial, in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.” Another definition states that, “a crucible is a furnace-like vessel that endures intense heat that refines and transfigures raw materials into a new stronger substance. The crucible purges away impurities and unifies elements into an entirely new final product.” (Hawkins, Dollahite & Draper, 2012)
Personal crucible is a metaphor for life changing challenges, adversities and losses that redefine a person or family. Some people may also refer to these trails as refiners fire.
Here is a video of a woman who speaks about her refiners fire moments.
Please reflect in your personal journal.
What was it that got this woman through these non stop trials?
How does this women view her trials? What good has come from them?
President James E. Faust explained: “Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such a refining is part of the perfection process (Faust, 1979)”
Have you personally experienced a crucible moment in your life? A trial that changed your life for good? Please reflect on your own personal crucible in your journal. Answer the questions: Did you learn anything from your trial? Did you feel an increase or decrease in faith and why?
Loss of a Loved One
Dr. Michael Hirsch, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and medical editor of Harvard Medical School’s Special Health Report Coping with Grief and Loss: A Guide to Healing, offers advice on how to deal with the loss of a close loved one. The key is to focus on the essentials and try to let people know what support you need. He says to eat well, people often lose their appetite when dealing with grief. Make sure to eat plenty of vegetables, fruits, and lean proteins, and drink plenty of water and other healthy liquids. Take a multivitamin to make sure that you do not have missing nutrients. Take necessary medications. Get enough sleep. Watch your alcohol and caffeine intake, you need a good night's sleep. Exercise every day, it does not have to be vigorous exercise. A nice walk, bike ride or yoga can be a needed break from grieving and a nice distraction. Avoid risky behavior. Avoid making big decisions, grief can cloud the thought process. Practice good self care. Turn to family and friends for help, tell them what helps. Embrace the mixed emotions. Find others who understand, ask them what helped them get through something similar. Realize that everyone grieves differently. Commemorate the loss of a loved one by making artwork in memory of them, create a journal of your memories of the loved one, make a memory box, slideshow, or photo wall of them. Plant a garden to honor them, visit their gravesite and pray for them. (A guide to getting through grief, 2011)
If you have lost a loved one, what has helped you?
Prayer
A study was done on “Coping through prayer: an empirical study in implicit religion concerning prayers for children in hospital.” The results of this study support and contribute to the findings of similar studies that prayer requests contribute positively to health and well-being (Ap Siôn & Nash, 2013).
In Wales, a study was conducted among undergraduate students. The study set out to examine the relationship between prayer and happiness. The data presented a correlation between prayer and happiness. This is consistent with the view that prayer promotes a more positive attitude towards life and enhances personal happiness (Robbins, Francis, & Edwards,2008).
As you go through these hard trials don’t forget to pray! I was reminded just last night of the power of prayer. I took my three kids to the movies, I had to drive about an hour away from my house because it was a special movie premiere that we were invited to. As soon as we got out of the car I noticed that I locked my keys in the car. I decided to go watch the movie and deal with it after the movie. I called my Allstate Roadside Assistance and their systems were down. It was around 9:30 at night and I had my three kids waiting in a parking lot. I kept trying to get in contact with Allstate but they could not hear me on my phone for some reason. We walked to a nearby store and the man told us that they had just closed for the night. I told him I needed to use a phone because I locked my keys in the car. He let us do so. After a long hassle I got it set up for someone to come unlock my car although we were told it would be about a 2 hour wait, in a parking lot with 3 kids. The nice man left us with snacks and water before he left. After we waited about 20 minutes we saw a AAA car drive past us. They stopped and I asked if they were there for us. He said no and asked what was wrong? I told him and then he got out of the car and unlocked my car for free. I was so grateful for these tender mercies that occurred that night, first the nice man who waited after hours so we can use his phone and then he went out of his way to provide water and snacks for us, then the AAA car just happened to come exactly where we were and the man was nice enough to help us. I know that the Lord sent these angels my way. Today as my kids were recounting the situation my 8 year old son said, “Mom I said two prayers that someone would come unlock our car soon because I was so tired. As soon as I got done saying the second prayer that car drove by and unlocked our car.” I was in tears. The Lord does answer prayers and he loves us. This is not a crucible moment but it is a great reminder of the true power of prayer. -Lori’s story
Illness and Disability
Medical issues can lead to such hard crucible moments for families. There are so many pile up stressors associated with medical issues. Some of them are financial issues due to medical bills and/or inability to work. Emotional health is also affected as the person dealing with the medial issue has to cope with the reality of their limitations whatever they may be. This gets worse depending on the severity of the illness or disability. The family dynamics often have to change and adjust in order to accommodate the new situation.
When someone in the family has an illness the whole family is affected by it. Studies have suggested that family members experience psychological distress and a lower quality of life through association. A study was conducted in the Netherlands with 503 participants who had family members with mental illness. The study examined the prevalence of 14 different coping strategies. “The results showed that both perceived stigma by association and family burden are associated with greater psychological distress and lower quality-of-life, and that most coping strategies mediate these relationships. Conclusions were that adaptive coping strategies were related to reduced negative outcomes, while most maladaptive coping strategies were related to enhanced negative outcomes.” (Sanden, Et. al, 2016)
I have a personal example of how medical issues can affect the family. About four years ago my husband started having medical problems that got so bad that his work did not allow him to come into work anymore because they considered him to be a liability. We had three young children at the time and I was a stay at home mother. I was forced to go back to work, making little money and we had to deal with financial, emotional, and physical burdens. He went through rigorous medical tests so that we could get his medical needs under control. There were times when I felt that the Lord must have forgotten about us. It seemed like one thing after another was going wrong with very little going right. The whole family was under a lot of stress. On one hard day I read this quote by President Thomas S. Monson : “At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. … If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.”
This quote spoke to me so deeply and I just knew that Heavenly Father put that quote in my view. He loved me and wanted me to know that if I turned to Him He would provide the strength and comfort that we needed as a family. As I started looking for the small blessings that occurred everyday I began to see just how much God is involved in my everyday life. I learned that the little things are often the big things. There were no grand momentous gestures, and we struggled through this for years and it still affects us today. But our perspectives changed. We are different people because of this and now we are better than ever. -Lori’s story
Why does God allow us to go through such hard things?
Here is a video made by Lori, one of the course creators, I hope you enjoy it.
Have you had experiences like the one I shared about the tire and the ramp?
What did you learn from that experience?
Many scientific studies have found that religion is linked to happiness. Two hundred and three Christian Polish students were investigated on the mediating role of purpose in life between religion and subjective well-being. The participants who had more religion in their lives related to higher levels of purpose in life, happiness and life satisfaction, and positively predicted happiness and life satisfaction through purpose in life (Aghababaei & Błachnio, 2014).
Another study investigated religion and the effects on happiness, the results showed a positive correlation between religion and happiness, one variable that is suggested to account for this is the purpose of life (Sillick, & Cathcart, 2014). When people believe in a higher purpose then they tend to be happier and handle trials better.
In Qatar a study investigated the link between religion, health, and wellbeing. This study was replicated from previous studies that involved different age groups, particularly university students, so the researchers decided to see the effects of religiosity on younger people’s health and wellbeing. This study also applied to both boys and girls. It was concluded that adolescents who consider themselves as religious reported higher subjective well-being and good health. There was also a positive correlation between satisfaction with life and religiosity, which shows that those with a greater life satisfaction are more likely to be involved with religion (Abdel-Khalek, 2013).
Cancer
Another difficulty that many people have to deal with is cancer. While there are many forms and stages of cancer, it is always unsettling when it occurs. Hagedoorn, Kreicbergs, and Appel describe dealing with cancer as “a family affair (2011).” They further explained the results of cancer on various family members, which can include depression and anxiety, and that is completely justified. There are so many physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects that affect those with cancer and their family members. Added stress, medical bills, worry for loved ones, and sometimes death occur.
A personal example of dealing with cancer and the crucibles involved there is when my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. He and my grandmother had visited my family just a few months before and he had seemed to be in perfect health! Around the time they visited my mom had a miscarriage. When we found out about my grandpa we rushed to a family council a couple of states over. There all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins were gathered together with my grandparents for the last time on this earth. We got permission to partake of the sacrament in the home of my uncle, with my brother and cousins passing it to everyone. It was decided that my grandpa, grandma, and aunt (who was still living with them at the time) would come and live with my family, my dad being the oldest child felt it was his responsibility to care for his dad. With this decision made we all separated ways.
It should be mentioned that my grandpa didn’t want to receive treatment because he knew it would be painful and the survival rate wasn’t high. He came to live the remainder of his days with my family, and they were tender, wonderful days. About a month later my dad received a call from his brother, the one who’s house we had church at, that his three-year old daughter had stopped breathing and had passed away. Being completely unexpected, we were all devastated. A month after that my grandpa passed away and joined my cousin.
This was an extremely difficult time for all of my family. I was 16 at the time that this happened, and I still get emotional thinking about all that happened, but I can stand strong and say that my family came off the better for it! I had an increase of love for my siblings, and my relationships with extended family members were strengthened. I was strengthened in knowing that my grandpa and cousin were in a better place, and I cannot wait for our happy reunion! -Jessie’s story
Here are some of my favorite quotes and scriptures. These have helped me get through some of my hardest refiners fire moments in my life.
“Sometimes … we find that even when we do our best to serve the Lord, we still suffer. You may know someone who faces these most challenging of circumstances: consider the parent whose child becomes ill, for whom everyone prays and fasts with all their heart and soul, but who ultimately dies. Or the missionary who sacrifices to go on a mission, then develops a terrible illness that leaves him or her severely disabled or in chronic pain. … The key is to remember that faith and obedience are still the answers—even when things go wrong, perhaps especially when things go wrong.”
James E. Faust, “Where Do I Make My Stand?” Ensign, Nov. 2004,
“As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the word of the Lord: ‘I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee’ (2 Kings 20:5). Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord.”—James E. Faust, "The Refiner's Fire," Ensign, May 1979, 53
“Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner's fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong.”—David E. Sorensen, “Faith Is the Answer,” Ensign, May 2005, 73
“all things wherewith [we] have been afflicted shall work together for [our] good” and to the glory of the Lord’s name (D&C 98:3).
"God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain” (Revelation 21:4)
As we pray and have faith, the Lord will strengthen us and provide us with the ability and perspective that we need to get through the hardest of times. If we turn to him we will not fail. Do not give up! He is always by your side, if you don’t see it, look a little closer.
Conclusion: Trials can be hard to endure. We all go through different trials at different stages in life, and it’s important to remember that everyone handles them differently. We hope that you have learned to turn to the Lord and that He will give you the strength that you need to endure and endure well. Remember we may not understand why we have to go through these hard things but He does. He knows what we need far more than we do. Trust in Him and have unyielding faith no matter what.
Here is a final video about the peace that we can find as we go through our trials and hardest times, and as we pray to overcome them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1ar9gjIrEQ
*Now we ask that you get your personal journal out and write down at least one positive thing that is connected to a trial that you experienced that day. Remember to do this every evening.
*Please take a minute and complete this end of lesson survey by clicking on the link
References
A guide to getting through grief. (2011). Harvard Mental Health Letter, 28(6), 4-5.
Abdel-Khalek, A. M. (2014). Religiosity, Health and Happiness: Significant Relations in Adolescents from Qatar. The International Journal Of Social Psychiatry, 60(7), 656-661. doi:10.1177/0020764013511792
Aghababaei, N., & Błachnio, A. (2014). Purpose in Life Mediates the Relationship Between Religiosity and Happiness: Evidence from Poland. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 17(8), 827-831.
Ap Siôn, T., & Nash, P. (2013). Coping Through Prayer: An Empirical Study In Implicit Religion Concerning Prayers for Children in Hospital. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 16(9), 936-952.
Faust, J. (1979). The Refiner's Fire. Retrieved November 10, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1979/04/the-refiners-fire?lang=eng
Hagedoorn, M., Kreicbergs, U., & Appel, C. (2011). Coping With Cancer: The Perspective of Patients' Relatives. Acta Oncologica, 50(2), 205-211. doi:10.3109/0284186X.2010.536165
Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Robbins, M., Francis, L. J., & Edwards, B. (2008). Prayer, personality and happiness: A study among undergraduate students in Wales. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 11(1), 93-99. doi:10.1080/13674670701702548
Sanden, R., Pryor, J., Stutterheim, S., Kok, G., Bos, A., van der Sanden, R. M., & ... Bos, A. R. (2016). Stigma By Association and Family Burden among Family Members of People with Mental Illness: The Mediating Role of Coping. Social Psychiatry & Psychiatric Epidemiology, 51(9), 1233. doi:10.1007/s00127-016-1256-x
Sillick, W. J., & Cathcart, S. (2014). The relationship between religious orientation and happiness: the mediating role of purpose in life. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 17(5), 494-507. doi:10.1080/13674676.2013.852165
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