Lesson 4: Resilience
Lesson 4: Resilience
Lesson Goals
- Learn the keys to raising resilient children.
- Learn the importance of family structure.
- Know the importance of being prepared to withstand the storms that come your way.
- Understand resilience and goodness of fit.
“In nature, trees that grow up in a windy environment become stronger. As winds whip around a young sapling, forces inside the tree do two things. First, they stimulate the roots to grow faster and spread farther. Second, the forces in the tree start creating cell structures that actually make the trunk and branches thicker and more flexible to the pressure of the wind. These stronger roots and branches protect the tree from winds that are sure to return.” (Anderson, 2014)
The storms that we experience in our own lives make us stronger just like they do to trees. As we experience challenges if we turn to God, our faith will be strengthened and we will be more prepared for challenges that are yet to come.
Lyle J Burrup from LDS family services tells us that “how well children respond to setbacks depends largely on how well their parents helped them develop the attitudes and the skills of resilience” (Burrup,2013).
So what are the attitudes and skills for resilience that he talks about?
“We know two things about adversity and resilience: First, there is “an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11). Second, obtaining anything of great worth often requires great sacrifice.” (Burrup,2013).
Children who are resilient understand these facts.
*They view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn from and they know that if they lose at something, if they work harder next time then they can win.
*Resilient children do not give up when life gets hard. They believe that they can control outcomes of their lives through effort, imagination, skill, and knowledge.
*The focus is on what they can do instead of what is out of their control.
*A sense of purpose helps children not give up when challenges come their way. *Some values that help guide resilient children are charity, virtue, integrity, honesty, work ethic, and faith in God (Burrup, 2013).
We can help our children become more resilient by showing them love and respect even when they make mistakes. We need to give them rules and guidelines but allow them to make their own choices. Just as Christ allows us to make mistakes and then repent for them. We need to allow our children to make their own mistakes then let them learn from them and correct them.
Parents should pray to know their children's strengths and learn how to help with their weaknesses.
*Never criticize or belittle your children.
*Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.
President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement”
Please reflect on these questions in your personal journal or with your spouse or friend.
How can you praise effort rather than praising accomplishment with your children?
Make some goals of what you want to do differently to ensure that you are instilling resilient qualities in your children.
Is there anything that you are currently doing that you want to make a goal to stop?
Growing up, my Dad always told me that if I start something then I should not quit until it was finished and to always give my best effort at everything that I do. I joined the cross country team my freshman year in high school. I remember it being so hard, I was not a runner before this. I started out only running from power line to the next power line and then walking. I trained with my team and then I would come home and run more. After our first meet one of my best friends came in last place and she quit the team because she said it was too hard for her. I remember wondering how she could feel ok about quitting before the season was over. In my mind all she needed to do was train harder. During my sophomore to junior year in high school I had bad tendonitis and loose joints around my ankles, my podiatrist told my mom that he could not believe that I could run with the amount of pain that I must be feeling. I did not want to quit because I grew to love running and I learned that you do not quit just because it is hard.
I am so grateful that I was taught not to give up when something gets hard. I knew that more effort would bring the results that I wanted, quitting and giving up was never the answer for me. These qualities that have been instilled in me by my Dad have served me well throughout my entire life. As I got married and had children, there have been plenty of times when life was hard, things seemed to be going anything but right and I could have just given up, but I didn’t because that is not an option. I pushed through and overcome through hard work and perseverance. I will forever be grateful for this resilient mindset. -Lori’s story
Family Structure
Research has found that families who have few redefining troubles also reported to have clearly defined roles in the family and each individual member of the family took care of and maintained their roles. The family thought of themselves as a unit and they acted as a unit. Families who did the best also had a balance of power in their relationships (Williams, 2013).
The family systems theory suggests that the family is not just a group of individuals, but the family is defined by the roles, rules, and the connections between family members. Each family has its own unique structure, goals, resources, subsystems roles and rules as well as other factors that is thrives on. The family operates best when it achieves homeostasis, where there is a balance and everyone can rely on each other. This helps a family withstand hard trials thrown their way. (Jensen & Shafer, 2013)
A study using the family systems theory was done examining the functioning of step families and their closeness. The study focused on family role characteristics, parental subsystem characteristics, and family system resources and how they affected the quality of relationships for the children in the home. The participants included 1,088 children in households with a mother and stepfather, ages 10 to 16 years old. The results showed that variables related to family roles and parental subsystem characteristics were the most influential in terms of how close children reported being to their stepfathers. The findings also showed that, “open communication between children and their mothers, low amounts of arguing between mothers and stepfathers, along with agreement on parenting, and gender, all affect the closeness children report having with their stepfathers.” (Jensen & Shafer, 2013).
Please reflect on these questions in your personal journal.
Does each member of your family have set roles? If so what are they? Is there a balance of power? If you said no to any of these questions, what changes can you make to achieve this?
Please watch this TEDX video. The Power of Resilience: Sam Goldstein, Ph.D. This Doctor talks about how we can help create strength, hope and optimism in our children. Please have your journal out as you watch this video and take notes.
What are some takeaways from this talk that you want to apply in your own parenting?
Now please watch this video titled Resilience as a key to success: Elke Geraer. She is talking to us adults and about how we can train our brains to be more resilient. We can overcome trauma, burnout, and depression. Please takes notes in your personal journal as you watch this video.
How are you going to retrain your brain to be more resilient?
Resilience Ecological Stress Model
Below is a video by Jessie, one of the instructors talking about the Resilience Ecological Stress Model.
There are some questions at the end of the video, but they are also below. Please reflect on them and either share with someone your thoughts or write in your journal.
What is goodness of fit with the various environments you work/live in?
What can you do to improve your resilience? Think back to stress managing techniques
Did your parents or relatives act as a buffer when you were a child? If so, how?
What can you, as a parent, do to teach your children to be resilient?
Conclusion
A lot of things happen in life, including the negative. It is important to use effective techniques to eliminate stress, and the combined effort of dealing with and working through stress is resilience. Teaching our children these techniques will help them in the future, and it will lead to better relationships within the family or wherever it is needed.
*Now we ask that you get your personal journal out and write down at least one positive thing that is connected to a trial that you experienced that day. Remember to do this every evening.
*Please take a minute and complete this end of lesson survey by clicking on the link
References
Andersen, N. L. (2014, May). Spiritual Whirlwinds. Retrieved October 29, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/05/saturday-morning-session/spiritual-whirlwinds?lang=eng
Burrup, L. J. (2013). Raising Resilient Children. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/03/raising-resilient-children?lang=eng#listen=audio
Flouri, E., Midouhas, E., Joshi, H., & Tzavidis, N. (2014). Emotional and behavioural resilience to multiple risk exposure in early life: The role of parenting. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry 24(7), 745-755. doi:10.1007/s00787-014-0619-7
Greene, R. R. (2014). Resilience as effective functional capacity: An ecological stress model. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment 24, 937-950. doi:10.1080/10911359.2014.921589
Jensen, T. M., & Shafer, K. k. (2013). Stepfamily Functioning and Closeness: Children's Views on Second Marriages and Stepfather Relationships. Social Work, 58(2), 127-136.
Williams, M. D. (2013). Family Stress & Coping. Rexburg, ID: Department of Home and Family, Brigham Young University.
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